My name is as unique as a spark that flies from a hot forge. It dazzles as bright as a star but for just a moment, before burning out. It is the number five, chubby but stretched out. A deep dark red coated in a fine soot. A light blue hazy with silver fog. It is the sound of a soloist playing a foreign instrument, low and high mixed together into a melancholy lozenge used for sore throats.
It floated around out there, somewhere, collecting meanings until I snatched it and presented it to my Mom. I feed it with knowledge and creativity afraid that it will leave me. Empty.
I was named for myself, and to be yourself is the greatest challenge of all. There are no old foot holds in the climb to individuality. If you fall you will land in the sticky bog of normalcy. The risk of not being able to get back up again looming over.
It was made up. An idea that grew, pushed it’s way from the back of someone’s mind before falling out of their mouth and landing with a thud. It picked itself up and dusted off the dirt but was still dented, misshapen.
When people are told my name first comes the look. The contemplation. They taste the bitter sweet of the lozenge before spitting it out, “What a name.” Unusual, idiosyncratic, awkward, homely. A name. I don’t know what people think.
Some find it hard to understand, a type jargon. For others my name is a simple elaborate dance of letters, a clap and a stomp, a twirl and a bow. It means fire and safety. Emberleigh.
Everywhere I find a new version of my name spilling out of people’s mouth, like tar. It sticks to their mouths and clogs their tongue. Befuddled apologies and requests for reiteration. Each mistake sits like an ember, burning with embarrassment until I wave it away. “I’m used to it,” I say.
I have always been the odd one. My name makes it even more obvious. N. That is the letter of our family. Nathan, Ebn, Lumin, Erin...Emberleigh. It breaks the flow. Muddies the water. Ember, Em, it doesn’t matter how you put it. It’s always wrong. Somehow.
Despite it all I am my name. Or at least, I feel like my name. However if I were to change it I would go for something fragrant. Something that rolls off the tongue like honey. A jasmine breeze in the summer, desert wind, tropical blue. Rich and elegant.